Pershore Golf Society

​​​Tour Match Report
18 21/06/2026
Swansea & Cardiff

Day 1 Ashburnum

The Tour started off with El Capitano having a shocker and leaving his wallet in his bedside draw. Thankfully Mr. B was able to retrieve it for his arrival on Tour the following day. Mr Secretary (Roadblock) did not have a good day at the races in Ashburnum, so much so that he was straight into the nets for some psychological therapy for some practice. Rumour has it, he lost a ball in the nets! As ever, the patience and calm approach from our captain shone through. Shouting at Daren from 160yds (tee box to green) to get off the feckin green and mark your card elsewhere.
Tough test of golf and no one excelled, 10 out of the 17 of us having entered the Senior Comp being held there. All shite! Very tight fairways which if missed, put you right in the deep doodoo! 007 was determined to extend his time on the course consistently hitting balls into the rough to test his team mates tracking skills.
And to the hotel, where I think everyone will agree, the accommodation was a massive step up from the usual ‘blue rinse/ mushrooms on the back of the bog door’ establishment we had all become accustomed to on tour. So much so, 1st night was spent in the hotel with food and the football. Maz needing an extra foot to keep a foot in each of the camps he was supporting in the world cup….Croatia, Bosnia and England!

Day 2 Southerndown

A stunning golf course with spectacular views. Alas, this was a tour where our ageing demographic began to show with some health issues. Cuth never nearly made the tour for his repeat Gall Stone issue but in true northern style grit, he powered on drank his own body weight in alcohol every night. Not medically trained, but I imagine that helped calm his gastro issues down! That same grit could not be matched by one of ‘the kids’ as Dan Long whimped out saying he was in hospital with pneumonia. We all know the response he would have gotten from Windsor Davies in ‘it aint half hot mum’. Dan we wish you a speedy recovery and to see you soon back on the course! Me, I had already booked a spot for ‘The Redge’ at the Crem, assuming his issue was with his ticker I was then informed he had hurt his thumb in walking football WTF Windsor Davies! Thankfully one of the other kids not supposed to be on tour, the lunatic and legend that is Disco Dave, stepped up to the plate, cutting short his honeymoon and arriving in Wetherspoons on the Friday night to join the frivolity.
Captains brief was a lively affair with Terry firing into Tidy for slow play. Tidy being incensed by the accusation and came out of water like a leaping salmon to rise to Terry’s jibe. Everyone else thinking, why is Tidy disputing he is slow. We also saw the
rise of Turkey 2025 gate, and the saga with Bry’s phone. Terry done a new sweep card for Bry and the irony of Big Al pulling his sweep card was not lost on anyone! Guffaw’s ensued! Terry’s calm and patience shone through on the course again, giving 4 young kids (who had no association with the tour) a round of fucks and told to get a move on 😊. Daren apparently 3 stabbed the first five holes to boost the charity and then nearly broke his ankle in a rabbit hole walking onto the tee.
It would be fair to say, the tour created some controversy surrounding Gamebook. Gamebook let itself down by not according with the last three paper scorecards. We reverted to paper last day. However, what was not Gamebook’s fault was Mr Chairman continually whining at me on the 1st hole of Sourtherndown that he had not been assigned to a group –– as anticipated this was operator error by Dave who was trying to sign into the wrong round –– chimp!
Chris Rawlings takes to the tee and we are all convinced he has gone full Maouri with a new tattoo on his knee –– on closer inspection and explanation from Chris, this was just his knee support tape.
The results:
1st –– Greg ‘Tidy’ Michael (pleased to see the green green grass of home)
2nd –– Nick Moody
3rd –– Dave Adams
N.P. –– David ‘007’ Fraser
N.P. in 2 –– Nick Moody
Ball sweep –– 76 balls lost day 1!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 –– Swansea Bay

We turn up to a, I suggest, beleaguered looking golf club with feck all open –– barring in mind there is a club comp with 50 odd players already out on the course! Captain’s Brief done in a conservatory type environment which was baking hot as the sun came out. After the attendance of Disco Dave on the previous evening, many of us were frothing at the mouth due to dehydration and desperate for water –– Disco encouraging us all to get absolutely twatted the night before and only getting 3hrs kip.
Thankfully the course was not representative of the clubhouse and was a good test of golf in attractive surroundings –– other than when we played under the M4 Flyover! Scas, our new treasurer forgot the prize money having been ‘Disco Dave’d’. We all walk over to the practice area, adjacent to the 1st tee. Unfortunately this was also next to the 18th Green where Bry gained his advantage of testing the green and using the 18th for his chipping practice. Daren, who had not been Disco Dave’d, played the 1st hole in his normal trainers, before realising he hadn’t put his golf shoes on and having to run back to the car. Tidy was able to produce the hilarity for his group on the 15th hole by (intentionally) playing to the 17th green. The wheels literally came off for Mr. B, as the nut and bolt securing the front wheel of his trolley
disappeared and the trolley collapsing in similar fashion to his golf. On about the 7th hole there was a bin with a broken club in –– everyone thought it, but Mr. B brought that comedy moment to life by taking a photo of it and suggesting Big Al had already played the course!!! Gaz hitting his ball into the cabbages recruited the assistance of his team mates, who duly found his ball. Gaz goes back to his bag for a club and then has no feckin idea where his temporarily found ball was –– I am not sure I heard of a lost ball being found and then lost again once found before it was struck the next time!
With many of us hanging at the end of the round, the beleaguered club did not let us down –– pork baps and ham, egg and chips a plenty. Well, clearly Wales concentrates its efforts on producing good lamb and they don’t give feck about their pigs. Looked nothing like pork and was absolutely gopping!!! Good job the wine took the taste away for me.
Whilst I have purposefully not disclosed too much about the evenings frivolities on tour, Joey Clive’s ‘Tumbles in the Mumbles’ could not go unmentioned. As five of us wonder to the next pub, just chatting and laughing, our attention is drawn to this gut wrenching sound of a human face planting the tarmac. We look round to see Joey in a heap in the middle of the road. I thought Disco was going to have a heart attack he was laughing that much. Thankfully Joey’s fuller figure prevented his face hitting the road and he escaped with a slight knee and shin injury. It truly was a pissed up Tumble in the Mumble. I am pleased to report, following an hours kip in the next pub, he was able to recover to go again on the alcohol and powered through til the early hours. The kids wrote me and Maz off and we retired to the kebab shop just before 3am.
Another 70 balls gone in the ball sweep saw the majority of the field ‘bust’ with the total being 146 balls lost by 25 blokes in 2 rounds!!!!!!

Day 4 –– Cardiff Golf Club

And so, with the draw done in the traditional reverse order we arrive at a beautiful parkland course with a lovely club house. Putting themselves in a strong position for Tour Champ, Tidy and Nick are in the last group, with the support of yours truly and Scas. We eventually get onto the first tee and Scas informs me that we have already lost a hole as group 6 had already cleared the green. Myself and Scas crunch our drives down the middle, to then see group 6 appear only 230yds away still playing the 1st. Thankfully no golfers were hurt in the making of this report! Scas had gotten off to a screamer with 6 pars and finished the front 9, 1 shot ahead of Greg. Sadly Scas sobered up and his pants fell down for the back 9. Trembler reported an ‘uncomfortable’ incident on the 12th. Roofing his tee shot to a near miss of a father and his 7 and 14yr old sons on the 14th. Dad not happy with no shout of Fore, is finally appeased by the apologies of Trembler –– who in his defence had no idea where his ball went off the tee! Dad directs Trembler and his group which fairway to follow (cross over hole) telling them it is the Right hand fairway. They all hit their seconds up this fairway and Dad is going yampi again as they have gone up the wrong one! Not sure where the blame lies there!!!
We all finish the round and Terry has squirrelled himself away to keep the scores and overall results secret before the big reveal. We all pile into the club house and await the announcement. I think it is fair to say, Mr Captain was still not confident he had it sorted when doing the announcement but…….

1st –– Daren 36pts
2nd –– Chris R 31pts (on countback)
3rd –– JV 31pts
N.P. –– Gaz
N.P. in 2 –– Daren

Overall result:
Tour Champ –– Daren
2nd –– Greg
3rd –– Chri R
Lost Balls -- Trembler

Prologue:

As per the Tour Whatsapp group, a brilliant Tour and I thank each and everyone of you for your company, laughs and ensuring I was ‘well oiled’ everyday. A special thanks for Terry who, now at the midpoint of his captaincy, is doing a fantastic job and there is no shortage of banter and jolly japes. Also to JV, who continues to tirelessly ensure that the tour provides great courses and great fun. Gaz, a brilliant job keeping on top of handicap updates and in general the committee who all contribute to ensuring everyone has a great experience in PGS.
Dan –– get well soon boy!
Simon --
Next date –– Saturday 4th July @ Burghill for the Angel Cup

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